I am afraid of everything. I am afraid of my future, of my past, of my present. I am afraid that I will fail. It is kind of strange really, to be so afraid of everything at the same time. I am afraid of the person who I might become. I really don't want to be an insensitive person who only thinks of himself, I want to be passionate about stuff again. I want to feel something. I am sick of being around such a negative environment. It is weird that everyone around me is so negative and I am afraid that I will end up being that person again. I love my friend so much but lately it's just so overwhelming and I just need to take a break of everything. I want to be happy again and I really don't want to get used to this situation. I don't want my life like this, I don't want to be miserable, sad person who is only focused on problems that is going on. That's the shit I don't want in my life. For fucks sake, I want to be happy and to feel happy again. I mean if I have been happy before my high school experience, why shouldn't I feel happy afterwards? I don't want to be a miserable human being, I want to finally start doing stuff for myself, and maybe after high school I will do something for myself finally. It's weird when you are trying to be positive around negative people. They call themselves realistic. I mean, if you are a realist it's just like you are a pessimist. You always think "No that is not possible" when in other way around you can actually do this if you have enough strength and will to accomplish something. If I want to do one job so badly and if someone thinks I don't have a chance to do stuff like that, I am going to prove that this "someone" is wrong. I feel like I don't really know what am I going to do later in my life, but we will see where the road is taking me. I don't want for anyone to feel like he or she is not able to do something in life just because no one is having faith in them. I have faith in you, and if you have faith in yourself, you will accomplish everything you want in life, just please be an optimist, never a realist or pessimist.

I'm starting to think of changing my life. Even though school is stopping me from being a better person. I will try to study, so I can just get rid of most of my subjects, at least until the winter holidays. I mean a lot of things scares me, but I know that I'm not the only one. I really hope that the time after school will be so much better. I will try to make it that way. I just feel good and I know it will pass, so I'm just trying to embrace it and I'm trying not to think about negative stuff. Everything will be okay, and I will make my best. You just don't know for how long I didn't felt POSITIVE. I just want to try new stuff and just to step out of this shell. I mean that is going to be a long process, but at least I will know I am doing stuff. If anyone reads this can you please, please, please recommend me some stuff to do in this autumn/winter time? Please, I just hope that someone read this.

I am literally so obsessed with saving money for stuff that I like. I want to buy so many things not because I need them but because I want a little difference in my life. I am sooo obsessed with incense sticks and candles. I think it's really important, from time to time, to spend a little money on yourself. The thing that is not healthy for you is if you are buying stuff and you think that it is going to make you happy and after a while you find another stuff that you want to buy and it goes on and on like this, you are not doing a good thing for yourself. Things are not going to make you happy, you need to do something to change yourself to be happy. Things need to be a "side" thing for your happiness. It's good to spend a little money on yourself but if you see that you're gone too far, it's not worth it. Spend a little money not for stuff that haven't got benefits on you, spend it on making your environment better, spend it on colors, on stones, on stuff that you need to make... Spend it on stuff that makes you creative, it doesn't matter if you're an expert in it or not, if that makes you happy it doesn't matter, the most important thing is that you're happy and that you keep doing stuff for yourself. I am not good at painting but sometimes I like to paint a little and it's not really awesome but the procedure of making that made me feel awesome. Just create a little, make your environment a little different and it will be easier for you to start creating such a wonderful things.

yep.

Why is this "adolescent" period so sad? We were all happy when we were little children. We had our own imaginary world with our own stories and our own creatures. We were so happy with little things like toys or just spending time with our friends and family. I think that for our generation it's the hardest to adjust because we were born when all the technology was made. I remember when I was 5 I got the first computer, I had games like Barbie and Tarzan. Even though all of the children had computers we went out and we played in the park. We were all so happy and didn't care about anything. We didn't want any new clothes, new games, anything new. Our parents bought that for us and we were satisfied but it's not like we wanted it so much. We were satisfied with only hanging out with other children, living careless life. I remember the period when I wanted to be older. It was the period when Facebook came. We went out and we were on our mobile phones but we also talked to each other. Every year technology was improving but we didn't. We spent more and more time on fucking mobile phones. I mean it was a great time, we also hanged out, but it was like all the stuff you do it's on facebook. We all wanted to be older, and our parents would always say to us "You're not a little child anymore, you need to grow up." I wish they didn't told me that. When we are children we have such a happy world and then through puberty we became such fragil things. We become depressed and sad. Just look at people when you walk home. They all have that serious face, they are always in a hurry. When you see people on facebook or instagram, they all look so happy, but in fact they are not happy. They have made a sick world online where they pretend to be happy and amazing person on the internet but in the real life they are nothing like that. We should all try to be positive with ourselves in this real world, not only online. Why shouldn't we have the imaginary world just like when we were children in our 20s or even much older than that? Society tell us that adults are serious people who are dedicated to their work. People have the jobs they don't even want to do but they must to do it because of money. They go to work and after that they go home and every fucking day it's the same for them. I don't want to be that person. I want to be happy, I want to do something that I love even if I love it a little. I don't want to live a stressed life. All the people my age are living life where they pretend they are older. I mean, what is the point? You're born, then you have childhood then you hit puberty and pretend like you're older, then you're 20 with no future, then you have a job that you don't like, then you have children and then you're 60 and you ask yourself what have I done with my life? I spent it with not being happy and wishing I am someone else. This society teach us wrong stuff. I want to be different then those people, I don't want to live a life like that one, I want to appreciate every day that I'm here. I want to make myself the best I can ever be...

Weird

I am doing okay, but i have made a lot of mistakes. I am always in some kind of hurry and I forgot how to relax. I just want summer or spring, I want sunny weather. I want to lay in a bed through out the whole day. I have this weird feeling. I have forgot how to be satisfied with myself. I am doing okay, but.. I am not satisfied. I want to push myself to do things, but I'm just so tired. I miss those times when I did some stuff. Maybe I'm just too exhausted and I need to wait a little for better times. I have slept a lot but I'm just tired. It has nothing to do with sleeping. I'm just exhausted of living. I'm scared of everything, I want to be happy but I'm too exhausted to live. I guess I'm just going to let it go, just lay in bed today, sleep, watch movies, do yoga and breathe a little. I can't always be happy. We all need to be in this weird state from time to time, it help us to calm down, to breathe, to relax a little and then to keep going and to go back to our journey through life.

I think I'm doing okay

Hey anyone who reads this blog (I hope that there is someone who read my blog), I am doing really good lately. I mean, today I'm in the weird mood when I don't know in what kind of mood am I, but that's better than being sad. I really don't do anything that will allow me to grow, but maybe I'm going to change that. I would like to write a little bit more here, I have time but I'm busy watching Supernatural so I kind of postponed doing stuff that will help me. I don't think that I suffer or have ever suffered from depression or any kind of mental illness, but puberty and anxiety has done a lot of changes in my life. I am a completely different person from the one I was three years ago. I'm not looking forward to becoming that person again. I want to be focused on stuff that are happening now. There is too much stress and I kind of don't think about that stuff right now. I'm in my final year of high school and I need to figure out what I would like to study. But, let's not focus about that things. I mean yeah, my future is important to me, but being satisfied with myself is a much of a big deal. First, I need to love myself and then I will focus about college. I would like to improve my physical appearance because I don't really like how I look. I know that this is stupid, but I think that I would really like to look like a person my age and not 5 years younger. I'm thinking of making a blog about my town, about little shops, coffee bars, antique stores, abandoned places.. I am interested in that stuff and I would really like to start a blog about it. Let me know what you think in comments. Really, if anyone reads this please comment, because I would like to know if anyone really reads this crap about myself.

It hurts...

I know that I'm trying to feel better about myself, but the last three days I've been feeling like shit. Everything I do is just not worth it. I just feel like crap. I don't know if it's pms, but I feel really, really sad. I think this is going to pass, it will, but current feeling sucks. I went out but nothing is helping. Maybe I need to slow down a little bit, try to focus on something else. I'm sick of forcing myself. I'm sick of everything. I just want to stay in my bed and not to do anything. I'm sick of school and people, I just want to feel better but it's not happening. Maybe I need to relax and not care about those feelings, maybe I just need to accept how I'm feeling and try to focus on something else. Perhaps this is just a temporary situation and I really think this is going to pass, but I just need to breathe a little, maybe I need to just stop and look around, focus on the present and not on the future. I am afraid of my future, I am afraid that I will fail at everything, it's just scary because I'm in my last year of high school and I don't know what really intrigues me. Everything hurts, the past, the present, thinking about future.. Everything. But maybe one day I will find out true happiness, maybe one day I will feel better about myself, but that is not going to be today or tommorow or in near future, I don't know when it's going to happen or if it's going to happen. Maybe I expect too much from life and too much from myself.

....

I haven't been here for a few days but at least I did something productive. I went out and I met one person and I'm just like where have you been all my life?? It was amazing because I didn't expect anything and then I met that person. I know it's weird but it was quite nice. I realized that people are not going to judge you, people are not going to be rude, I mean there are a lot of them that are like that, but there are still a lot of people that are normal, people with who you can talk about stuff that you like. It was really amazing. But, I had and I still have a lot of things to deal with. I just can't realize how can someone not appreciate me trying to be happy, how can someone expect me to stay a negative person?!? The only thing I want is to be happy and one person is not supporting me. I realized that this is not a friendship, it never has been but I can't be there for that person every time something happens. I mean if that person was my friend I would make everything to make that person happy, and I tried that but it's not happening. If that person can't appreciate me when I feel good, then that person is not my friend. I think that I need to surround myself with family and people who are positive to become a better person. I want to breathe, I want to laugh, I want to live. No one, not a single person is not going to stop me. I am going to be happy and that's it.


"It's not that I don't feel the pain, it's just I'm not afraid of hurting anymore."

Maybe...

Even though I'm trying to feel better, I'm not succeeding at it. The only thing I do is sitting on my bed and watch tv shows. I'm not saying that this is bad, but for me it is because I need to start doing something with myself. I'm going to do little things, step by step. I am going to read some books, ride a bike, or just walk around the town alone. I need to go outside, even though I have no friends (I mean literally), I will go out, I will take my camera with me and my book and I will just wander around town alone. I am going to dress up nicely and put on makeup and just go out. The town where I live is really big and it has a lot of different places to visit, so I am going to do something, even that it's not a big thing, but maybe it is going to be later.

I think that if you want to be happy, you need to do something for that, you need to change yourself. You need to learn how to let go those bad feelings, you need to surround yourself with your family. I am going to do things slowly, take step by step and maybe one day I will be a better person.

‘You don’t have to see the whole staircase, just take the FIRST STEP.’ 

Tuesday

It was an exhausting three years of my life feeling like this. I need to change my perspective on life and ofcourse I need to change myself. I always thought how I look was important and I was focusing on my look. I lost 15 kilos, but I'm not happy with myself. I know how stupid it sounds but how you look is not important. I figured that out too late. Now, I hate myself not because of my look, it's because I don't like the person I am today. I forgot how to smile, how to talk to people. I was so mad at myself because of my look and now I see how stupid I was. Four years ago I was such a happy person, when I asked people what they think about me they would always say "You always smile. You're always happy. " but i wasn't satisfied with that. I wanted to be a pretty skinny girl so they would say you are so beautiful and stuff like that. So I started to lose weight and I became so obsessed of how I look and I forgot to smile, to be happy and to enjoy life. It's hard for me to remember times when I was a happy person. But I remember some stuff. I used to do weird things and I was always the one that do something crazy. People would say I'm childlish and I hated that.Now I need to figure out the way to be a better person, I need to start laughing again and to be happy. It is going to be hard because it's not that easy to fix myself but I hope I will make it. It has been too much sadness in my life, really I can't remember when was the last time I laughed. This is not only for myself, it is for everyone else that feels sad constantly. We are going to get through this, we are going to be happy, we are going to live our lives the best we can.

'It's just a spark, but it's enough to keep me going.' - Paramore 'Last Hope'

Start

This will be a blog for myself and if anyone else finds it interesting then thank you for reading it.

Lately I'm feeling really sad and insecure, I really don't like who I am. I don't mean physical appearance, I don't like myself as a person. We always have our ups and downs but my "down" has taken too much time. I am always the one that cares for others first but don't really care for myself. I need to change my priorities in life. I need to start doing things that will make me a better person. I'm sick of being sad all the time, I'm sick of not being loved. The only thing I want is to have at least few friends that love me and care about me. This blog will hopefully help me get through all the shit I am dealing with. I need to become a better person and start to put myself on the first place. I will write about some things. Who even knows what is going to happen?

"Everything will be okay at the end, if it's not okay, it's not the end."