I think I'm doing okay

Hey anyone who reads this blog (I hope that there is someone who read my blog), I am doing really good lately. I mean, today I'm in the weird mood when I don't know in what kind of mood am I, but that's better than being sad. I really don't do anything that will allow me to grow, but maybe I'm going to change that. I would like to write a little bit more here, I have time but I'm busy watching Supernatural so I kind of postponed doing stuff that will help me. I don't think that I suffer or have ever suffered from depression or any kind of mental illness, but puberty and anxiety has done a lot of changes in my life. I am a completely different person from the one I was three years ago. I'm not looking forward to becoming that person again. I want to be focused on stuff that are happening now. There is too much stress and I kind of don't think about that stuff right now. I'm in my final year of high school and I need to figure out what I would like to study. But, let's not focus about that things. I mean yeah, my future is important to me, but being satisfied with myself is a much of a big deal. First, I need to love myself and then I will focus about college. I would like to improve my physical appearance because I don't really like how I look. I know that this is stupid, but I think that I would really like to look like a person my age and not 5 years younger. I'm thinking of making a blog about my town, about little shops, coffee bars, antique stores, abandoned places.. I am interested in that stuff and I would really like to start a blog about it. Let me know what you think in comments. Really, if anyone reads this please comment, because I would like to know if anyone really reads this crap about myself.

It hurts...

I know that I'm trying to feel better about myself, but the last three days I've been feeling like shit. Everything I do is just not worth it. I just feel like crap. I don't know if it's pms, but I feel really, really sad. I think this is going to pass, it will, but current feeling sucks. I went out but nothing is helping. Maybe I need to slow down a little bit, try to focus on something else. I'm sick of forcing myself. I'm sick of everything. I just want to stay in my bed and not to do anything. I'm sick of school and people, I just want to feel better but it's not happening. Maybe I need to relax and not care about those feelings, maybe I just need to accept how I'm feeling and try to focus on something else. Perhaps this is just a temporary situation and I really think this is going to pass, but I just need to breathe a little, maybe I need to just stop and look around, focus on the present and not on the future. I am afraid of my future, I am afraid that I will fail at everything, it's just scary because I'm in my last year of high school and I don't know what really intrigues me. Everything hurts, the past, the present, thinking about future.. Everything. But maybe one day I will find out true happiness, maybe one day I will feel better about myself, but that is not going to be today or tommorow or in near future, I don't know when it's going to happen or if it's going to happen. Maybe I expect too much from life and too much from myself.

....

I haven't been here for a few days but at least I did something productive. I went out and I met one person and I'm just like where have you been all my life?? It was amazing because I didn't expect anything and then I met that person. I know it's weird but it was quite nice. I realized that people are not going to judge you, people are not going to be rude, I mean there are a lot of them that are like that, but there are still a lot of people that are normal, people with who you can talk about stuff that you like. It was really amazing. But, I had and I still have a lot of things to deal with. I just can't realize how can someone not appreciate me trying to be happy, how can someone expect me to stay a negative person?!? The only thing I want is to be happy and one person is not supporting me. I realized that this is not a friendship, it never has been but I can't be there for that person every time something happens. I mean if that person was my friend I would make everything to make that person happy, and I tried that but it's not happening. If that person can't appreciate me when I feel good, then that person is not my friend. I think that I need to surround myself with family and people who are positive to become a better person. I want to breathe, I want to laugh, I want to live. No one, not a single person is not going to stop me. I am going to be happy and that's it.


"It's not that I don't feel the pain, it's just I'm not afraid of hurting anymore."

Maybe...

Even though I'm trying to feel better, I'm not succeeding at it. The only thing I do is sitting on my bed and watch tv shows. I'm not saying that this is bad, but for me it is because I need to start doing something with myself. I'm going to do little things, step by step. I am going to read some books, ride a bike, or just walk around the town alone. I need to go outside, even though I have no friends (I mean literally), I will go out, I will take my camera with me and my book and I will just wander around town alone. I am going to dress up nicely and put on makeup and just go out. The town where I live is really big and it has a lot of different places to visit, so I am going to do something, even that it's not a big thing, but maybe it is going to be later.

I think that if you want to be happy, you need to do something for that, you need to change yourself. You need to learn how to let go those bad feelings, you need to surround yourself with your family. I am going to do things slowly, take step by step and maybe one day I will be a better person.

‘You don’t have to see the whole staircase, just take the FIRST STEP.’ 

Tuesday

It was an exhausting three years of my life feeling like this. I need to change my perspective on life and ofcourse I need to change myself. I always thought how I look was important and I was focusing on my look. I lost 15 kilos, but I'm not happy with myself. I know how stupid it sounds but how you look is not important. I figured that out too late. Now, I hate myself not because of my look, it's because I don't like the person I am today. I forgot how to smile, how to talk to people. I was so mad at myself because of my look and now I see how stupid I was. Four years ago I was such a happy person, when I asked people what they think about me they would always say "You always smile. You're always happy. " but i wasn't satisfied with that. I wanted to be a pretty skinny girl so they would say you are so beautiful and stuff like that. So I started to lose weight and I became so obsessed of how I look and I forgot to smile, to be happy and to enjoy life. It's hard for me to remember times when I was a happy person. But I remember some stuff. I used to do weird things and I was always the one that do something crazy. People would say I'm childlish and I hated that.Now I need to figure out the way to be a better person, I need to start laughing again and to be happy. It is going to be hard because it's not that easy to fix myself but I hope I will make it. It has been too much sadness in my life, really I can't remember when was the last time I laughed. This is not only for myself, it is for everyone else that feels sad constantly. We are going to get through this, we are going to be happy, we are going to live our lives the best we can.

'It's just a spark, but it's enough to keep me going.' - Paramore 'Last Hope'

Start

This will be a blog for myself and if anyone else finds it interesting then thank you for reading it.

Lately I'm feeling really sad and insecure, I really don't like who I am. I don't mean physical appearance, I don't like myself as a person. We always have our ups and downs but my "down" has taken too much time. I am always the one that cares for others first but don't really care for myself. I need to change my priorities in life. I need to start doing things that will make me a better person. I'm sick of being sad all the time, I'm sick of not being loved. The only thing I want is to have at least few friends that love me and care about me. This blog will hopefully help me get through all the shit I am dealing with. I need to become a better person and start to put myself on the first place. I will write about some things. Who even knows what is going to happen?

"Everything will be okay at the end, if it's not okay, it's not the end."