I don't think I will have this blog anymore, I don't even think I am making enough effort into this because I am lazy and I don't know what to say. I will probably make new blog after a while, but I need to calm down a little bit. I want to do so many things, but firstly, I need to figure out what am I going to do after high school. I need to decide that in a month, so I will probably be nervous about that and about school, but I need to calm down and figure that out, because my future depends on it and even though I feel so awful, I need to do this. After I figure that out, I will put myself in the first place. I will work hardly on myself, because I want to be a better person, physically and mentally and I hope I will make this work.

My New Year's resolutions will be:
- to be happy and satisfied with who I am, because I am tired and exhausted and I need to start thinking about myself finally
- to do Yoga at least 5 times a week for half an hour because I want to be and feel better about myself
- to meditate
- to fix my grades because they are awful and I need to study more
- to finally figure out what I'm going to do after high school
- to travel more because even though I don't have the money to travel outside my country, I can at least save money to travel inside, there are many places I can visit, so why not?!
- to have better relationships with my friend and with my family because lately I don't feel like I'm making a god job
- to read more books
- to write more, to write anywhere, online, in notebooks, diary, to write little notes, literally anything

I am afraid of everything. I am afraid of my future, of my past, of my present. I am afraid that I will fail. It is kind of strange really, to be so afraid of everything at the same time. I am afraid of the person who I might become. I really don't want to be an insensitive person who only thinks of himself, I want to be passionate about stuff again. I want to feel something. I am sick of being around such a negative environment. It is weird that everyone around me is so negative and I am afraid that I will end up being that person again. I love my friend so much but lately it's just so overwhelming and I just need to take a break of everything. I want to be happy again and I really don't want to get used to this situation. I don't want my life like this, I don't want to be miserable, sad person who is only focused on problems that is going on. That's the shit I don't want in my life. For fucks sake, I want to be happy and to feel happy again. I mean if I have been happy before my high school experience, why shouldn't I feel happy afterwards? I don't want to be a miserable human being, I want to finally start doing stuff for myself, and maybe after high school I will do something for myself finally. It's weird when you are trying to be positive around negative people. They call themselves realistic. I mean, if you are a realist it's just like you are a pessimist. You always think "No that is not possible" when in other way around you can actually do this if you have enough strength and will to accomplish something. If I want to do one job so badly and if someone thinks I don't have a chance to do stuff like that, I am going to prove that this "someone" is wrong. I feel like I don't really know what am I going to do later in my life, but we will see where the road is taking me. I don't want for anyone to feel like he or she is not able to do something in life just because no one is having faith in them. I have faith in you, and if you have faith in yourself, you will accomplish everything you want in life, just please be an optimist, never a realist or pessimist.

I'm starting to think of changing my life. Even though school is stopping me from being a better person. I will try to study, so I can just get rid of most of my subjects, at least until the winter holidays. I mean a lot of things scares me, but I know that I'm not the only one. I really hope that the time after school will be so much better. I will try to make it that way. I just feel good and I know it will pass, so I'm just trying to embrace it and I'm trying not to think about negative stuff. Everything will be okay, and I will make my best. You just don't know for how long I didn't felt POSITIVE. I just want to try new stuff and just to step out of this shell. I mean that is going to be a long process, but at least I will know I am doing stuff. If anyone reads this can you please, please, please recommend me some stuff to do in this autumn/winter time? Please, I just hope that someone read this.

I am literally so obsessed with saving money for stuff that I like. I want to buy so many things not because I need them but because I want a little difference in my life. I am sooo obsessed with incense sticks and candles. I think it's really important, from time to time, to spend a little money on yourself. The thing that is not healthy for you is if you are buying stuff and you think that it is going to make you happy and after a while you find another stuff that you want to buy and it goes on and on like this, you are not doing a good thing for yourself. Things are not going to make you happy, you need to do something to change yourself to be happy. Things need to be a "side" thing for your happiness. It's good to spend a little money on yourself but if you see that you're gone too far, it's not worth it. Spend a little money not for stuff that haven't got benefits on you, spend it on making your environment better, spend it on colors, on stones, on stuff that you need to make... Spend it on stuff that makes you creative, it doesn't matter if you're an expert in it or not, if that makes you happy it doesn't matter, the most important thing is that you're happy and that you keep doing stuff for yourself. I am not good at painting but sometimes I like to paint a little and it's not really awesome but the procedure of making that made me feel awesome. Just create a little, make your environment a little different and it will be easier for you to start creating such a wonderful things.

yep.

Why is this "adolescent" period so sad? We were all happy when we were little children. We had our own imaginary world with our own stories and our own creatures. We were so happy with little things like toys or just spending time with our friends and family. I think that for our generation it's the hardest to adjust because we were born when all the technology was made. I remember when I was 5 I got the first computer, I had games like Barbie and Tarzan. Even though all of the children had computers we went out and we played in the park. We were all so happy and didn't care about anything. We didn't want any new clothes, new games, anything new. Our parents bought that for us and we were satisfied but it's not like we wanted it so much. We were satisfied with only hanging out with other children, living careless life. I remember the period when I wanted to be older. It was the period when Facebook came. We went out and we were on our mobile phones but we also talked to each other. Every year technology was improving but we didn't. We spent more and more time on fucking mobile phones. I mean it was a great time, we also hanged out, but it was like all the stuff you do it's on facebook. We all wanted to be older, and our parents would always say to us "You're not a little child anymore, you need to grow up." I wish they didn't told me that. When we are children we have such a happy world and then through puberty we became such fragil things. We become depressed and sad. Just look at people when you walk home. They all have that serious face, they are always in a hurry. When you see people on facebook or instagram, they all look so happy, but in fact they are not happy. They have made a sick world online where they pretend to be happy and amazing person on the internet but in the real life they are nothing like that. We should all try to be positive with ourselves in this real world, not only online. Why shouldn't we have the imaginary world just like when we were children in our 20s or even much older than that? Society tell us that adults are serious people who are dedicated to their work. People have the jobs they don't even want to do but they must to do it because of money. They go to work and after that they go home and every fucking day it's the same for them. I don't want to be that person. I want to be happy, I want to do something that I love even if I love it a little. I don't want to live a stressed life. All the people my age are living life where they pretend they are older. I mean, what is the point? You're born, then you have childhood then you hit puberty and pretend like you're older, then you're 20 with no future, then you have a job that you don't like, then you have children and then you're 60 and you ask yourself what have I done with my life? I spent it with not being happy and wishing I am someone else. This society teach us wrong stuff. I want to be different then those people, I don't want to live a life like that one, I want to appreciate every day that I'm here. I want to make myself the best I can ever be...

Weird

I am doing okay, but i have made a lot of mistakes. I am always in some kind of hurry and I forgot how to relax. I just want summer or spring, I want sunny weather. I want to lay in a bed through out the whole day. I have this weird feeling. I have forgot how to be satisfied with myself. I am doing okay, but.. I am not satisfied. I want to push myself to do things, but I'm just so tired. I miss those times when I did some stuff. Maybe I'm just too exhausted and I need to wait a little for better times. I have slept a lot but I'm just tired. It has nothing to do with sleeping. I'm just exhausted of living. I'm scared of everything, I want to be happy but I'm too exhausted to live. I guess I'm just going to let it go, just lay in bed today, sleep, watch movies, do yoga and breathe a little. I can't always be happy. We all need to be in this weird state from time to time, it help us to calm down, to breathe, to relax a little and then to keep going and to go back to our journey through life.

I think I'm doing okay

Hey anyone who reads this blog (I hope that there is someone who read my blog), I am doing really good lately. I mean, today I'm in the weird mood when I don't know in what kind of mood am I, but that's better than being sad. I really don't do anything that will allow me to grow, but maybe I'm going to change that. I would like to write a little bit more here, I have time but I'm busy watching Supernatural so I kind of postponed doing stuff that will help me. I don't think that I suffer or have ever suffered from depression or any kind of mental illness, but puberty and anxiety has done a lot of changes in my life. I am a completely different person from the one I was three years ago. I'm not looking forward to becoming that person again. I want to be focused on stuff that are happening now. There is too much stress and I kind of don't think about that stuff right now. I'm in my final year of high school and I need to figure out what I would like to study. But, let's not focus about that things. I mean yeah, my future is important to me, but being satisfied with myself is a much of a big deal. First, I need to love myself and then I will focus about college. I would like to improve my physical appearance because I don't really like how I look. I know that this is stupid, but I think that I would really like to look like a person my age and not 5 years younger. I'm thinking of making a blog about my town, about little shops, coffee bars, antique stores, abandoned places.. I am interested in that stuff and I would really like to start a blog about it. Let me know what you think in comments. Really, if anyone reads this please comment, because I would like to know if anyone really reads this crap about myself.